when everything's made to be broken
by splendidlyimperfect
Summary: Gray isn't doing well - hasn't been for a while - and things come to a tipping point when Natsu shows up at his door in the middle of the night. / Written for WWTDP; Week 2, Day 1/13; prompts: scars/tired


**TW for descriptions of cutting/self-harm**

* * *

 _Bang. Bangbangbang ._

"I'm _coming_ , Jesus Christ, it's four in the fucking morning," Gray grumbled, running a hand over his face and making his way to the apartment door, cursing when he tripped over a stray pair of shoes. He grunted in frustration, grabbing the door and yanking it open, scowling at whoever was on the other side.

It was Natsu. He stood with his hand poised over the door, ready to knock again. His pink hair was plastered to his head and he shivered in his thin t-shirt and jeans, giving Gray a wide-eyed look. Gray blinked – he hadn't even known it was raining.

"What… dude, what's going on? Are you okay?" Natsu was staring at him intently, brow furrowed, mouth slightly open. Gray tilted his head in confusion, looking down at hims— _oh, shit_. His arms were dressed lazily with bloody bandages, and he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Um," he blurted out, moving his arms down and trying to hide them behind his back. "I need…" He glanced back at the couch, eyes now adjusted to the dark, and saw one of his hoodies laying across the arm. Moving backward, he snatched it up, yanking it on quickly and zipping it up as high as it could go. He stood still, back to the door, petrified to turn around and see Natsu's reaction.

"You…"

"What do you want, Natsu?" The words came out harsher than he'd intended and Gray kept his eyes trained on the window. He could see the rain now, trailing patterns over the glass pane as the wind whipped the trees back and forth.

"I'm sorry, I know it's…um, it's late." Natsu stammered quietly and Gray could hear him take a tentative step into the apartment. "I just…my d-dad." His voice broke a little and Gray turned around, sighing at the heartbroken expression on Natsu's face.

"What happened?" He asked, gesturing for Natsu to come in and shut the door. Gray moved backward to the couch, reaching out and turning on the small lamp on the coffee table. It illuminated the room with a soft glow, highlighting the tear tracks on Natsu's cheeks. Gray slumped down in the corner of the couch, crossing his arms self-consciously over his stomach, and gestured for Natsu to join him.

"He's…" Natsu exhaled shakily, rubbing a hand over his face. "He's g-gone."

"He left again?" Gray asked gently, but Natsu shook his head.

"H-he was really sick." Gray stopped breathing. Natsu's father had been back for… less than a week. It couldn't- "He only showed up again t-to say goodbye. H-he d-died last night, I d-didn't…the h-hospital's close to here, and I d-didn't know wh-what to do…" His words dissolved into soft sobs, muffled by the cushion he pulled to his chest. "I d-don't have a-anyone…"

"Fuck, Natsu, I'm so sorry," Gray whispered, reaching out and pulling his friend into an embrace. He ignored the stinging on his arms and focused on the other boy's shaking shoulders. "Of course you can come here, I'm such an asshole, I'm sorry…" He slid closer until Natsu's head was resting against his chest and Gray's hand was running up and down the other boy's back. "I'm so sorry."

"P-part of me wishes h-he hadn't come b-back," Natsu hiccuped through his tears. Gray ran his hand through Natsu's damp hair, combing out the knots and brushing his bangs out of his face. "H-he didn't...I don't even know him, I d-don't know why I'm so..." He sighed in frustration, rubbing his face.

"I'm sorry," Gray said again, not sure what else to say. "I know how excited you were to have him back." Natsu nodded, forehead knocking against Gray's collarbone. Gray sighed, feeling the shorter boy's shoulders shaking, and stroked his back gently again.

Gray had nearly fallen asleep when Natsu's shifting woke him up, and he sat up slowly, groaning at his aching back. He glanced at the clock on the side table – 4:38 a.m. Natsu sat with his shoulders slumped, eyes cast on the floor.

"Do you want some tea?" Gray asked softly, reaching out and placing a hand on Natsu's knee. The boy let out a shaky sigh, glancing up at meeting Gray's gaze.

"What happened?" He asked quietly, bringing a hand up to Gray's wrist and gesturing to his forearms. Gray tensed, pulling his hand away. Natsu looked at him seriously, brow creased in concern. "Did you do that?"

Gray didn't reply, just stood slowly from the couch and made his way into the kitchen. Natsu followed him, settling himself down at the island counter and leaning his head onto his crossed forearms. Gray pulled a basket of tea out of one of the cupboards and slid it over to Natsu, then busied himself with filling the kettle.

"Is everything okay?" It was strange – their voices seemed out of place in the dim light, in the early hours of the morning. The silence felt precious. "It looked... bad."

"I'm fine," Gray lied, flicking the switch on the kettle and moving to the fridge, opening it and faking a search for something to eat. After a moment he closed it again, looking over near Natsu but not quite at him. "Do you want to stay? It's almost morning anyway."

"If you don't mind," Natsu replied, picking out a spiced chai that had been given to Gray as a Christmas gift and passing the basket back over to him. "Do... you have class tomorrow?" Gray shook his head.

The kettle clicked and Gray grabbed a mug from one of the cupboards, dropping the teabag in and filling it to the brim with boiling water. He knew from their coffee shop meetings that Natsu liked his beverages uncomfortably hot, so he passed it over immediately. Natsu took it, nodding in thanks.

"Do you want to talk?" He asked, cupping the mug in both hands. Gray realized that Natsu's shirt was still damp. "I didn't know... things were bad."

"I'm fine," Gray said again, voice flat and disinterested. Maybe if he kept saying it Natsu would just drop the subject and leave him alone. "C'mere, I have dry clothes for you."

Natsu followed him down the hallway and into his bedroom, still holding the mug of chai. Gray made his way through the piles of dirty clothes to the dresser, tugging open the middle drawer and grabbing one of his shirts. He tossed it over to Natsu, then found a pair of sweatpants in a pile next to his closet.

"You can change in there," Gray said, gesturing to the ensuite bathroom and yawning. He sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands. A fog was creeping through his mind, his rational decision-making skills growing hazy. The sharp pain on his arms – made worse by the dry gauze dragging over the cuts – pulled him back from the point of sleep.

"Gray, you're not okay." Natsu knelt down in front of the bed and reached out, touching Gray's hands. "I'm worried. Let me help?"

"You came here for comfort from me," Gray argued, rubbing his eyes and pulling away from Nastu. This wasn't his problem. He didn't need to get involved. "Not the other way around."

"I want to help," Nastu argued. "You're my friend. Let me at least help you bandage it up properly. I'm not mad, okay?" Gray didn't realize that he was concerned about Natsu's anger until the words were spoken. He made a soft sound and curled in on himself protectively. "Where's the first aid kit?"

Gray didn't answer and Natsu stood up, making his way to the bathroom. The sound of running water was followed by clothes hitting the floor, and then Natsu was back in front of Gray, first aid kit in hand, dressed in Gray's shirt and sweatpants. His hair stuck up in ridiculously endearing ways and Gray desperately wanted to touch it. He didn't deserve to.

"Off." Natsu tugged at the sleeves of Gray's sweater and he shook his head, trying to pull away. Natsu's hand touched his cheek gently and tipped his head up, forcing them to look at each other. "Please? I'm not angry, I just want to help." Gray made an inarticulate sound of protest but didn't push Natsu away as he unzipped the sweater and pulled it down Gray's arms.

Natsu made a sad sound as he unwrapped the hastily applied gauze, wincing when it stuck to the fresh cuts. Some of them were deep, still beading up tiny drops of blood, and he examined them carefully.

"You might need stitches," he said, gentle fingers brushing over Gray's wrist. For some reason the gesture made Gray want to cry. The crushing pressure in his chest was overwhelming and he couldn't stop himself. A few stray tears trickled down his cheeks and he ducked his head in embarrassment. "Hey, it's okay." Natsu brushed a hand through his hair, every movement soft and reassuring.

"Don't need stitches," Gray murmured, leaning against the wall and letting his arm go limp in Natsu's hand. He was so, so tired. "Never got them before." He swallowed the tears and closed his eyes against the heavy ache in his chest. "'m fine."

"You're not fine," Natsu argued, settling onto the bed next to Gray. "This..." Gray could feel his fingers tracing the shapes of old scars. "This isn't the first time you've done this."

"...no," Gray said honestly. He wanted to curl in on himself and sleep but it never came. Instead it was hours and hours of anger and sadness chasing each other around and around. The only way to make it stop was this.

"Oh, Gray," Natsu murmured, running his thumbs over Gray's palms. "You don't deserve this."

"Yes, I do."

Natsu was silent for a moment, and then Gray felt the sting of antiseptic on his forearm. He hissed in pain, trying to jerk his hand away, but Natsu held fast to his wrist.

"I'm sorry it hurts," he murmured, and Gray wasn't sure if he meant the cleaning or the cuts themselves. He tipped his head back and didn't bother to stop the tears that were running down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," Natsu whispered again as he dabbed at the dried blood, cleaning up what Gray had dirtied.

It didn't Natsu long to bandage up both Gray's forearms, fingers gentle, never commenting on his friend's tears. Gray didn't move from the bed as Natsu threw the old bandages and gauze into the trash, then crouched back down next to the bed.

"Do you want some painkillers?" he asked softly. Gray shook his head, breath catching in his throat.

"No." He covered his face with a hand. _I deserve it,_ he thought. _I need the pain._

"Okay." Part of him was surprised that Natsu didn't argue with him, but part of him was too tired to care. He probably thought Gray was broken now, fucked up, scarred beyond redemption. He wouldn't be wrong. "You okay if I stay in here with you?"

"Mm." It didn't matter. He felt the bed dip as Natsu settled down next to him, then a hand on his elbow, tugging him to lie down. He slid under the blanket, facing Natsu but not making eye contact. Natsu clasped his hand, twining their fingers together.

"I care about you," he whispered, tugging Gray a little closer. "It hurts to see you hurt yourself. I want to help." Gray's throat was closing up now, too thick, too much feeling. He shook his head, burying his face in the pillow but not letting go of Natsu's hand. "You haven't been sleeping, hey?"

"'s fine," Gray whispered, closing his eyes and wincing at the immediate sensation of failure, hopelessness, pain. His chest hurt so badly. Everything was empty.

"It's not," Natsu replied, shuffling even closer. "You okay if I touch you?" Gray hesitated, then shrugged. He'd already been found out, been seen as broken and damaged. What difference did it make?

Natsu tucked a knee between Gray's legs, moving close enough to bring an arm around to Gray's back. His fingers started to draw slow circles, soft and soothing, and he kept Gray's hand clasped in his own. Gray exhaled slowly – Natsu was so warm, so gentle, so kind. He wanted to pull away, insist that he didn't deserve this, but his body was heavy with exhaustion and he couldn't move.

"Can I do anything to help you sleep?" Natsu's hand pressed into his back, trailing up from his shoulders to just above the waistband of his pajama pants. It felt so good, so comforting and Gray's chest hurt because he shouldn't feel better, shouldn't feel okay, shouldn't be able to close his eyes and want to actually sleep for the first time in... how long had it been?

"Just..." he could barely get out the words; everything ached and he was so heavy, and now he couldn't stop fucking crying and his best friend was watching him fall apart. "I'm sorry," he whispered, and Natsu made a soft noise, pressing himself even closer to Gray.

"Don't be sorry," he murmured, moving his hand up to brush Gray's hair from his face. The gesture was so soft, and suddenly he was smelling cinnamon and feeling his mother's fingers curl through his hair as she rocked him to sleep. "I'm so sorry you're hurting like this." Natsu pressed his forehead against Gray's, so warm and gentle and alive.

"I can't..." Gray swallowed, hot tears spilling from his eyes. He shook his head, wiping at his face and letting Natsu tug him closer until his head was tucked under Natsu's chin. "It's too loud. I'm s-so tired."

Natsu sighed, combing his fingers through Gray's hair and holding him tight. They'd never been this close before – they'd always been affectionate, sure, but Gray had never been pressed up against Natsu, smelling his laundry soap and feeling the heat from his body. Gray had wanted to, but had never been brave enough to try.

Natsu started humming, chest vibrating under Gray's head, off-key notes filling the space around them. His touch continued, soft and gentle, and he even trailed his fingers down over Gray's bandaged arm, not shying away from the places where Gray had hurt himself. The touch was soothing, felt like Natsu was drawing out the pain and sadness and anger and leaving Gray with nothing but exhaustion and a deep sense of safe. This time, he didn't fight against the feeling, letting it pull him off to sleep.

* * *

Natsu felt a deep sense of relief when Gray's breathing finally evened out into the cadence of sleep. He stayed awake, stroking the other boy's hair and holding him tightly, hoping it would keep him quiet and relaxed. How could he not have seen this? And what was he supposed to do? He didn't understand what could make Gray hurt so much that he'd take a blade and carve those marks into his arms.

After an hour, he slipped his phone out of his pocket and swiped to his messages. Finding Wendy's name, he slowly composed a text with one hand.

 _Hey pipsqueak. Got a question for you – do you know anything about people hurting themselves? Like cutting, on purpose._

Not even a minute later, his phone started to ring. He was glad he'd had it on silent.

"Hey," he said quietly, looking down at Gray to see if he'd react to the sound. There was no movement other than the soft twitching of his hand on Natsu's chest.

"Are you all right?" Wendy's voice was worried, and Natsu could hear movement in the background. She was likely finishing up an overnight shift at the hospital. "I'm at work, but if you need something—"

"It's not me," Natsu said softly, running his fingers through Gray's hair. "A friend. He hurt himself – cut his arms really badly. We cleaned it up and he's sleeping now, but he's, I mean he's obviously really depressed." He sighed as Gray burrowed his face into Natsu's chest. "And it's not the first time he's done it. I don't... I don't know what to do."

"I'm sorry, Natsu." Wendy's voice was gentle. "Is he willing to talk to you?"

"I'm... not sure," Natsu replied shakily. "He told me he was tired, and that he deserved it? He wouldn't say much else." He felt like he was going to cry now; the fear he'd suppressed earlier was starting to overwhelm him.

"The best thing you can do for him is listen," Wendy said. Natsu nodded, pulling Gray tighter against him as a storm of feelings warred in his chest. All he wanted to do right now was to protect, to make it better, to take away the things that drove his friend to hurt himself. "You're a good listener, and he'll come around to that when he's ready."

"Can I... who can help him? What can I do?" Natsu felt dizzy with responsibility. "I don't want him to do it again, but I don't think... he's not gonna stop just 'cause I tell him to."

"You're right," Wendy said gently. "He'd probably benefit from seeing a counsellor, but he's not going to do that if he's not ready to talk to anyone. You can't force it, and you can't force him to stop. I know that's hard, I've seen it before." She sighed. "It can take a long time, but pressing the issue doesn't help. He has to be ready."

"H-he trusts me," Natsu murmured, sliding further down on the bed and resting his cheek on Gray's head. "I just don't... understand."

"He probably doesn't either," Wendy said, sighing. "I'm sorry, Natsu." Something shuffled behind her and Natsu could hear her speaking to someone else. "I have to go, but I can call you later today?" Natsu glanced over at the clock on the nightstand - it was nearly seven in the morning.

"Yeah," he said, yawning. "I should—"

"Hey, I heard... about your dad," Wendy said suddenly. Natsu's chest tightened and he buried his face in Gray's hair. "Lucy told me, I'm so sorry. Is there anything...?"

"No," Natsu replied, squeezing his eyes shut. He didn't want to think about his father right now. "It's... no, I'm okay. I'll talk to you later."

"Take care of yourself," Wendy said, voice gentle.

As soon as he hung up, Natsu scooted down and over until he was on the pillow and Gray's head was on his chest. Gray had started to stir a bit, so Natsu stroked his back again, humming to counteract the pained whimpers. He sighed – he'd always wanted to be here, in Gray's bed, close like this, but never under these circumstances.

It didn't take long for Nastu to fall asleep, trying his best to protect Gray from whatever would hurt him – even himself.

* * *

When Gray woke up, the apartment smelled like coffee, and he actually felt rested. He yawned, rubbing his face, then winced at the sharp pain in his forearms. Looking down at the bandages he groaned as everything came back to him in bits and pieces. Nobody was beside him on the bed now, but the spot next to him was still warm, and there was a note scrawled in Natsu's nearly illegible penmanship.

 _still here, just making breakfast. take your time._

Gray sighed, tossing the note back on the bed and sitting up slowly. He glanced over to the clock and was surprised to see it was nearly ten. Had he really slept for almost five hours? His mind felt... clearer, today. The weight still rested on his chest, pressing him down and leaving him with a sense of failure, but he wasn't as... hazy.

He stood up reluctantly and grabbed his hoodie, tugging it on and making his way out of the room. Natsu was in the kitchen, humming along to the music playing on his iPod, making bacon on the stove. It smelled amazing and Gray's stomach grumbled – he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten something.

"Hey, you." Natsu turned around, smiling when he saw Gray. He gestured to a cup of coffee on the counter and Gray took it thankfully. "You might have to microwave it. You want anything fancy in your eggs?"

"Since when do you cook?" Gray asked, voice hoarse. He took a sip of the coffee, settling down on one of the barstools. He felt hesitant, on edge. Was Natsu going to pretend nothing happened? Part of Gray found that idea appealing, but another part of him... when Natsu had seen, had found out, had helped, it made Gray feel less alone, like he could talk about this. But this wasn't Natsu's problem. It was—

"Gray?" He looked up, startled, to realize that he'd tuned out while Natsu had been talking to him. He shook his head in apology. "'s okay. Anyway, I'm insulted that you think I can't cook, I'm much better in the kitchen than Lucy is. She burns everything."

Gray didn't respond but it didn't seem to deter Natsu, who kept talking about nonsense like breakfast and his classes and Lucy's silly work stories. Eventually a plate of eggs and bacon was waved at him, and Natsu nodded toward the living room.

"Are we allowed to eat on your couch, or are you too much of a grown up for that?" he teased. Gray snorted a little, shaking his head and following Natsu.

They sat side by side on the couch, thighs and knees touching, and Natsu kept reaching out and touching Gray. A hand on his wrist, fingers on his elbow, picking something out of his hair. Gray wanted to lean into it, into the warmth and familiarity, but he held back, afraid.

"How are you feeling?" Ah, there was the question. Before he could answer, Natsu shook his head. "That's a terrible question, obviously you're feeling like shit. How about... did you sleep okay?" Gray blinked.

"Uh, yeah... yes." He looked down at his eggs, poking at them with a fork. He'd managed about a quarter of what Natsu had made but didn't feel like he could handle any more. "Th-thank you." He could feel heat rising to his cheeks and he took a sip of his coffee to try and hide it.

"Gray, I..." Natsu sighed, sitting his empty plate down on the coffee table and giving Gray a concerned look. Gray made a frustrated sound, looking down at the couch.

"I don't..." He shook his head, cursing at the tears that were ready to fall again. Why he couldn't keep it together? "I'm sorry you h-had to... I can't, I just don't... I'm sorry."

"Gray." Natsu's voice was soft and so, so gentle, and he took the plate and coffee from Gray and set them down. Then he took both Gray's hands in his, squeezing gently. "I'm not mad. I wanna say that again 'cause I think it's important for you to hear." Gray nearly pulled away but he forced himself to sit still.

"I'm not mad, but I am scared," Natsu continued. "I'm scared because I care about you, and knowing that something is happening that's making you so upset that you hurt yourself makes me..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "And I don't understand it, but I don't have to understand it to help you."

"I don't..." Gray started to protest, but stopped himself. He didn't feel like arguing, and maybe...

"It's okay, I don't mean..." Natsu sighed, frustrated. "I'm not going to—to tell anyone. If you don't want me to." Gray looked up at him, surprised. When he was younger and Lyon had caught him cutting, his brother had had immediately told Gray something was wrong with him and dragged him to their dad. Several years of forced therapy later, and here they were. Nothing had changed.

"But..." Gray felt like he couldn't breathe. His hands must have been shaking because Natsu squeezed them tightly. "Why... are you doing all this?" He gestured at the empty plates, the coffee mug, the blanket draped over his shoulders.

"I care about you," Natsu said, and his hands shook along with his voice. "I know you didn't want me to see, but I did, and I'm kinda glad because I'm mad at myself, honestly. How could I not have seen that something was this wrong, that you were here, at this point, already? And I wanna fix that – me being an idiot, not you, you don't need to be fixed – but I'm not gonna pressure you, or like, I can't force you to do anything even though I don't want to see you hu—"

Gray had no idea what was going through his head, but Natsu was starting to lose it, and he needed to make it better. And the best way to do that, according to his brain, was to lean in and kiss his best friend.

* * *

Gray was kissing him. Natsu froze for only a second before leaning into it, letting go of Gray's hand in order to touch the side of his face. He ran a thumb over Gray's cheekbone, humming contentedly when gentle fingers came up to comb through his hair.

Some part of his brain whispered _this is a bad idea_ , but he ignored it until he realized how hard Gray's hands were shaking. He made a soft sound, pulling back from the kiss and taking both Gray's wrists gently in his hands. His friend looked mortified, cheeks red and eyes trained on his lap. He tried to pull his wrists away from Natsu, but not hard enough to actually break away.

"I'm, fuck—I'm sorry." He tugged at Natsu's wrists again, but Natsu moved closer, bringing their palms together and twining their fingers. "J-just... I didn't—"

"Gray." Natsu kept his voice gentle, thumbs moving over Gray's knuckles. "Look at me. I know what you're thinking, okay? And that's not it." Gray's eyes flicked up to meet his for a second and Natsu sighed, wrapping an arm around his friend and pulling him in tight.

"I k-know I shouldn't, I'm not—can't be—" Gray's shoulders were shaking and his voice was rough.

"Listen to me," Natsu insisted, squeezing him tighter. "I didn't pull away because I don't want it. I do." Gray stilled under his hands. "I do want to kiss you, Gray. And I'm not hesitating 'cause I think you're broken, or 'cause I want you to, like... get _better_ or whatever because that's a stupid word. There's nothing wrong with who you are right now." He pressed a kiss to the top of Gray's head, wishing desperately that he could take away this sadness.

"Then... what?" Natsu barely caught the whispered question. He sat up a little, forcing Gray to look at him before he spoke.

"I want you to feel like you deserve this," he said quietly, gesturing between them. "Like you deserve to have someone to take care of you and love you." Gray exhaled, looking back down at his hands and shaking his head.

"I don't know how," he whispered. "I don't want—this, it's not your fault, but I've been..." he trailed off and Natsu ran an encouraging hand down his arm. "I've been really bad for a while now," Gray admitted quietly.

"Does it help to talk about it?" Natsu asked. Gray shrugged, leaning back into the couch. He looked exhausted again, even though he'd only been awake for less than an hour.

"Not right now," Gray whispered, running a hand down his face. "Maybe later. I have... I used to take medication." He sniffed. "They... I think they helped? I went to... some person my dad picked, to talk, and I hated it."

"We don't have to talk about all that stuff right now," Natsu said gently. "You look like you're still pretty tired." Gray nodded and rubbed his eyes. "Did you sleep better with me there?" Another nod. Natsu stood up from the couch, grabbing Gray's hands and pulling him to his feet.

Without talking they headed back to the bedroom, where Natsu slid under the blankets with Gray, tugging the other boy until his head was resting on Natsu's chest. Gray let out a contented sigh, then tensed, looking up at Natsu.

"Is this... okay?" He gestured between the two of them. "If..."

Natsu nodded, tugging the blanket up over both of them and curling into Gray so they were cuddling face-to-face. "I told you, I want this," he said. "Something. With you." He sighed. "I just want it to be as real for you as it will be for me, okay?"

"Kay." Gray pressed himself into Natsu's chest, letting out a deep sigh.

"Gray?" Natsu ran a hand down his back, feeling himself slowly falling back asleep as well.

"Mm."

"I'm not gonna make you promise not to do it again." Gray stiffened a little under him, then sighed with what Natsu assumed was relief. "Is it okay to ask you to talk to me if you feel like this? If you want to hurt yourself?"

There was a long silence, and Natsu was worried that Gray had fallen asleep. Eventually, though, he replied. "Yeah. I can... I'll try." He nuzzled Natsu sleepily. "Is that... enough? For now?"

"Yeah," Natsu murmured, feeling himself drifting off. He wrapped his arms around Gray and held him tight, wishing he could ward off whatever it was that didn't let him sleep. "We'll figure it out, I promise." Gray hummed. "And then you're gonna take me on lots of fancy dates so I can show off my handsome boyfriend. Sound good?"

Gray laughed a little under him, and Natsu felt a surge of relief at the sound. There he was. That was the Gray he knew. He was there, just lost in a forest of darkness and self-doubt, and Natsu was going to help him burn it to the ground.


End file.
